The Most Important Aspect of Self-Control
Hi!
This article is for you if you find that:
- You’re acting lazy despite trying really hard not to be lazy
- You’re wasting time on games/videos/social media despite having better things to do
- You have terrific self-discipline only for a short period of time after which you become the opposite of disciplined and all of your progress goes out the window.
If you feel I’m describing you, then the following ideas will help you reclaim self-control. This will allow you to set — and keep — good habits for the long run. You’ll be able to get your work done, waste less time, and actualize your potential much more powerfully.
The core idea is this: self-control is not actually about control at all! It never was. The name of the game is co-operation with the self. Through ditching this old, crusty idea of control and replacing it with co-operation, we can move with much more clarity, congruence, and power toward whatever goals are important to us.
I’ll explain.
From Control to Co-operation
However you treat yourself is how you are being treated.
However you are speaking to yourself is how you’re being spoken to.
However you lead yourself is how you’re being lead.
That makes sense, right? So let’s look at how you’re treating yourself, speaking to yourself, and leading yourself.
What’s the experience of it like? Are you constantly accusing yourself of underperforming, being lazy, holding back, or failing? Is it never enough? Are you convinced that you’re not trying hard enough? Are you constantly harassing yourself with ideas of where you’re supposed to be in life, or “falling behind” in comparison to other people?
… Would this inspire great cooperation in you? I think not.
Look at all of your attempts to control yourself. Now imagine someone else using these techniques in order to control you? Would it work? Would you like this person? Would you care about their aims and desires?
… Again, no. I think the answer is no.
It’s time to step out of this frame of attempting to control yourself. It’s time to leave behind these ideas that you ought to control yourself. As if you can’t be trusted. As if you’re just some resource to be harnessed and put to work — forced to toil away until there’s nothing left. Sounds hellish, doesn’t it?
What would it take to inspire your own co-operation?
If you desire to create inner co-operation between “you and yourself” then let’s ask what it would take to make this happen.
Let’s start here: what needs do you have that are going unmet?
What do you need?
Really take a second here to ask yourself that. Be honest! Don’t just put out some flippant bullshit answer — really take a second to consider where you’re not properly getting your needs met. What is it?
More water?
Better food?
More sleep?
To cut someone out of your life?
To bring someone into your life?
To stop some employment?
To seek some other employment?
More sex or masturbation?
Less sex or masturbation?
Is it time to get serious about removing some addiction from your life?
Is it time to be honest about something that you’re not being honest about?
If a captain is running a ship that’s crossing the Atlantic, then you better believe that the captain’s priority is to keep his crew well. If he neglects his crew and just pushes them and pushes them and pushes them… he’ll soon have a mutiny on his hands. The ship will not cross the ocean successfully.
Get your needs met! Listen to yourself and take proper care of yourself.
You’ll immediately notice fresh air being blown into your life.
Balance your ambition with your self-care.
The more ambition you have, the better your self-care needs to be.
If you’re pushing yourself, you better demonstrate to yourself with gifts, appreciation, and love that you recognize your own effort. You must have a way of properly restoring your energy. You must find a way to properly refresh yourself.
Pay attention to whether or not you’re enjoying what you’re doing. If you’re no longer having fun, if you’re no longer enjoying yourself, then stop and seriously look at what you’re doing.
- Let go of this idea that you’re supposed to be controlling yourself. It only works for short bursts, it never works in the long term.
- Control doesn’t work because you are always on the receiving end of how you treat yourself. If you don’t like to be controlled, then don’t attempt to control yourself.
- Instead, move into co-operation with yourself. Have a sense of where the ship is headed, and maintain an excellent balance of aiming for the goal AND properly caring for the crew (yourself).
- Do this by addressing any unmet needs that you have, and taking time to properly meet these needs. Notice how good it feels and notice how this helps “breathe new life” into your operations.
You can also do this by asking questions like:
“How am I operating on a daily basis that’s just not working?” or “How can I accomplish my greatest goals/ambitions in a way that feels more native to how I wish to work or operate?”
I hope this helps!
Brent Huras
Productivity Coach
